Permission to be Human

(Yes even you hurt others and make poor decisions.)

Sometimes being human can be so disappointing. We hurt people we care about. We wait to magically get chosen for something we’ve never let people know that we wanted. We can’t calm the mind demons to do what our best self would later wish we could have done. And so many more…

The opportunities in those moments aren’t the strength and character building stuff that says you need to go through things to be a better human. The opportunity is the decision to love yourself (even just a little) while you process understanding that you too cause pain and contribute to drama or whatever situation you’re facing.

It’s a difficult thing to let the understanding that you too are capable of being incredibly human some days wash over you. It’s difficult to feel the pain and discomfort that comes with really accepting that you’ve done harm or not your best and not to gaslight the impacts of that because you can’t face what you’ve done. The one thing that lets you face what’s occurred without getting lost in darkness and shame is to love yourself enough to allow your own humanity. (Allow not excuse).

One of my favourite movies is a sweet love story called “Dan in Real Life" about a widowed father of three (Steve Carell) who meets someone special who happens to be dating his brother. He behaves quite badly for a bit. In one scene near the end his Mom, played by the brilliant Diane Wiest, is having a conversation about it with him. He is ready to throw away love, and anything besides being in service to his daughters who he has also hurt in the process, he decides shame is the only answer. Wiest wisely tells him that falling for Marie was not his mistake and that if he hurt his children, then go unhurt them. I’ve always loved that. Your shame doesn’t ‘unhurt’ others it’s actually a decision we make to hurt ourselves—and that’s never fixed anything. When we can hold just enough love for ourselves not to descend into shame we are capable of making amends. And isn’t that what we want from the world? And like many things, perhaps we can start that change inside ourselves.

So next time we find ourselves the cause of something we aren’t proud of, find a way to acknowledge that you are still worthy of your own love. Feel the waves of pain or shame or regret or grief that want to come knowing they are showing you how much you care about making amends or taking different actions. Acknowledge your wrongs. Don’t try to control the feelings of others. Make it right as best you can without forcing others to receive your idea of that. Appreciate yourself for being willing to experience the discomfort of your own imperfection.

And if you find yourself deep in the emotions and don’t even know where to start, start with an expression of love or just tolerance and acknowledgment that you too are human and you are still valuable and loveable even though you’ve made mistakes. Start there. You’ve got this.

(Here’s the trailer for the movie for you to enjoy).