Denied!
Are there thoughts about others that you never give yourself permission to stop thinking?
What are the thoughts about others that actually cause you pain, and take up more energy than you want, but you just can’t stop thinking? Usually it’s a series of thoughts or an exercise of circular thinking that defines itself as wise or useful or helpful or problem solving. But it’s usually about something you can’t or shouldn’t attempt to take responsibility for anyway. Somebody else’s life decisions, relationship, handling of a situation, etc.
And I get it if you are actually wise and wonderful and people come to you for help all the time. You might actually know a really good solution! But if it isn’t your life it’s not yours to fix. A Little Book of Permission is an exercise of cultivating a “should free” life and, damn it, that means you can’t put a they or you in front of should either. No one should do anything. One of their choices might be what you are thinking, but that’s it. There are so many answers and opportunities to make choices for ourselves and others.
As our thoughts are racing with solutions and potential scenarios, when are we helping and teaching and when are we interfering? If you are stopping yourself from doing something because you worry about the latter, but you are still allowing the thoughts to circulate with no action possible, you are just hurting yourself. Winding yourself up over something you can’t or won’t take action on isn’t a solution to anything.
When I’m in that thought spiral one of the things I do is try to figure out what sentence I can say to myself to interrupt it, make my own choice, and stop it. With really persistent thoughts and strong feelings I usually have to try a few. The most successful usually are the ones that bring the action back to me. Where I can do something.
Here are some examples of what I’ve said to myself in different situations:
That’s a really good idea if they ask me to help.
I can’t make those decisions for them.
It is not my relationship to fix.
Can I support them making their own decisions without directing them?
Why am I responding so strongly to this situation? What’s this situation bringing up that requires me to give myself more love and tolerance?
Is this a situation I need support with? Where could I get that?
The whole point of learning How to Give Yourself Permission is to take back the energy and space in our lives that goes to things that aren’t helping us take the actions we long to in our own lives. Each time we stop one of these thought patterns we not only get the relief of stopping, but the space back that those thoughts took up.
Keep setting those should’s down.