Comfort In; Dump Out
The Ring Theory of Supporting Each Other in a Crisis
Susan Silk wrote about the concept of the Ring Theory for how to actually be of help to each other in a crisis. Normally this thinking applies to personal things like loss of a loved one or a health crisis, but I can’t help but think the concept could be of support to us all over the next few years. There is a hard road ahead and we will need to be minding our capacity. It’s important who we ask to hold things for us.
“Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.
Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.”
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.”
For example I am a Canadian woman. The incoming Trump Presidency deeply scares me. Canada will be affected by it (along with every other country in the world) without getting a chance to have any say over what is to come our way. But, I also have way more distance from the immediate trauma right now than my US friends and clients have. I’m affected, but in a larger circle. They are on the front lines of experiencing the impacts in their daily lives.
And they in turn have more distance from the danger of impact than their LGBT-black-muslim-refugee-seeking friends and fellow Americans.
So if you are at a loss the easiest thing you can always decide to DO is send some support inwards. If you are burning up look outwards to ask for help. It’s not perfect, but I find it quite helpful to not inflict more casual micro traumas on each other.
Take care,
Susie