Can I be capable of a sustainable relationship with the planet if I'm not capable of one with myself?

Learning to take action without torching the place.

Last week I asked myself a question that rocked me a little bit.

“How do I live when my heart’s not on fire?”

I’ve gone through most of my life with my heart on fire and in many, many ways it served me well. I had a love for something. I was inspired to work for it to grow and achieve. I felt responsible for its success or failure. I used all of my time and personal resources in service of it. The fire has been an industry, a move to the UK, publishing my books, etc.

My heart’s not on fire right now (Canada is though). But I still care really deeply about things and I know I have wonderful projects to do that could be so additive in these unprecedented times. But some part of me waits for the ignition, the afterburner that will vault me forward without any consideration for lost skin or collateral damage. It was fuelled by fear, self-dislike, a need to prove my value, to do something extraordinary to be acceptable.

The afterburner was the part that let me move without feeling.

Recently I realized that this lack of burning might be a result of healing myself. The part of me that was conscious of the intensity and resource cost of the heart on fire is holding back because previously to move forward with conviction caused me harm. But the thing is I haven’t given the afterburner much fuel for quite some time.

So here I am feeling better about myself and in myself than I ever have, with great ideas to action, and no afterburner. I’m out here in the new regrowth and I have to find a way to move forward more gently. And I remember this is what is required of all of us on the planet right now. How can I be more capable of a sustainable relationship with the planet if I am not capable of one within myself? This is the way I must find to move. I’m excited about that.

Let me know if this resonates for you too.