Are your dreams on the bottom of your To Do list?
Finding the capacity to take action.
My A Little Book of Permission is a non-exhaustive, playful list of things you don’t have to do. I think too much of self help or “just give yourself permission” discussions in our world are about taking action without context. What I’ve found is that there is a pretty big step that gets skipped here: capacity. You’re usually not just sitting there ready to go, just waiting for this elusive lightbulb of permission. A lot of times we first need to excavate some capacity for that action in our lives.
We can lose decades of our lives waiting and thinking we’ll eventually have time for everything. You will never be able to take action towards your dreams if your dreams are at the bottom of the pile of things you should care about and do.
You don’t have to beat yourself up for putting them there.
It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your dreams.
It’s just really indicative about how some of the last tricksy grips of patriarchy works by weaponising your care and feeling of obligation towards others. Whose ever horrible idea it was to put this system in motion did it because they only wanted you, all of us, focused on certain activities—prescribed work to enrich others, reproduction of more workers to be, and too tired to think of a different way. It definitely didn’t consider whatever beautiful, bonkers idea that only you could have been born with for best using your life. You experiencing the energy and liveliness and love that comes from being who you are in the world only increases your capacity to share.
So sometimes we have to take out our internal lists of “have to’s” and reorder and declutter it. Take a few minutes to write a list of the things that you have to do including what you would consider as next steps towards achieving your dream for yourself.
How many things on that list are for yourself? How many for others?
If it’s for others, what are you trying to achieve by doing them? Is that something in your top values? Like wanting to show love and appreciation or be of service…. If it’s not, move it to the bottom of the pile.
If the scale of your dream items freezes you up can you break them down into smaller steps? Make each item a smaller size that you feel confident about putting at the top of your pile. It’s not the ambiguous “move to Europe” but instead a more tangible “research immigration visa possibilities.”
Are there any on your list that you really don’t want to do? Why are they on there? Is there a better option? For example you might not have time or want to bake a homemade desert for your Mom’s barbecue. You might not even want to go. You do have options.
Bring something you buy on the way over.
Ask for a pass on the baking this time all together.
Only go after you’ve done, with all your fresh energy and joy, the more important things on your list. Slide in with a tub of ice cream to rejuvenate within society instead of sitting there doing the math about how much of your dreams this time is costing you. Imagine which one of you is more joyful to have around!
Tell them you’re not coming this time. Don’t pretend you are coming and then pretend you are sick. (Listen if this is all you can think of this time don’t worry we’ve all done it.) It’s ok to be honest and just say “I just want to be home right now. I’ll see you later. I love you.” Sometimes this leads to support you never knew was available and sometimes they get mad. If it’s in your best interest not to go to something that’s between you and you. You can’t have a thriving relationship with anyone else if you aren’t having an honest one with yourself.
Decide that the item is important to you and do it without worry about what else you should also be doing at that time. Support your own choices and enjoy them while they are happening.
And I think that’s the secret, support your own choices and enjoy them while they are happening. Make conscious choices and don’t just surrender to the the tides of you have to. We all have so much we want to do and be part of. We have thousands of micro-obligations that are actually important to us. And, also we only have so much capacity. When you start to feel angry and upset about something that is sitting at the top of your list maybe it doesn’t belong there. When something you love and dream of never makes it within your realm of capacity maybe it’s time to reorganise your priorities.
You’ve got this.
Download my short audio course How to Give Yourself Permission today and begin the journey of being more kind to yourself while you learn to take action.